Selfishness

What I am about to say, well, write, is going to sound incredibly selfish.  At least that is how I feel.  I’m not going to apologize for my feelings, though.  They are mine. 

My husband just called.  He has to meet a family tonight at 5:30pm.  This shouldn’t bother me, but it does.   It seems that every time I make plans, they go to hell in a handbasket.  That saying makes me smile – it was a favorite of my great grandmother’s.  Anyway, we didn’t have school today – Christopher Columbus Day.  I had a doctor’s appointment at 10:15am.  My parents agreed to watch the kids for me and I had planned on going to the fitness club to sign up after I was done.  When I dropped my kids off, my mom asked if I was going to be long.  She said that she and my father had some errands and they didn’t want to take the kids.  Great.  So, I went to plan B, which was go to the fitness center after my husband got home, then go to school and make my copies for the week.  His phone call shot plan B down in a hurry.

I’m so tired of my plans getting put on the back burner.  I have tried to sign up at the fitness center so many times, only to have someone need me.  I read an article at the doctor’s office about how we put off things that don’t mean so much to us or we don’t really want to do.  I WANT THIS!  Dammit.

I think I’ve just realized why I find myslef being lazy around the house.  I’m afraid to plan anything because my plans will get changed.  That realization doesn’t help me at all right now.  I don’t think.  Well, my daughter just woke up and my son is looking for a snack.  Again, I’m stopping what I want to do for someone else.

Tired & Lonely

Right now, I am so tired and lonely.  This has been one of those weeks when I have had a lot going on – and so has my husband.  I feel like I have barely seen him.  I mean, he’s always busy on his week on call but this past week has been unreal.  The stress of my worries and a long week at work has made me feel completely exhausted.  And because my dear husband has been gone, I’ve had the added stress of being a single parent.

 Now, it is Saturday and he has been gone all day.  I am at my wits end with my children and he just called to say he got another call and won’t be home for another several hours.  I put my daughter down for a nap and sent my son to the neighbor’s to play.  I can barely focus right now.  I want to veg out in front of the television, but I won’t.    My house is a disaster, there’s a strange odor in the kitchen, I’ve got a pile of laundry a mile high and now, because I’m tackling the toy room, a front yard full of toys.

 Okay, I’m done complaining.  I am headed down to put a load of laundry in and then outside to work on the toys.  I’m hoping to feel some sense of accomplishment by the time I go to bed.

Total Fear

As I was explaining the requirements for a five sentence paragraph, a call came from the main office.  Our substitute secretary asked politely if I was available for a phone call.  I told her I had students at the moment and asked if she would kindly take a message.  There was hesitation, then the words I dread, “It’s your husband.”

With a million horrible scenes plaing in my head like a movie I couldn’t turn off, I ran out of my room, down two flights of stairs and down another hall to the office.  She met me at the door with the cordless phone.

“Hello?” I asked fearfully, praying she had been wrong about who was on the other end.

“Honey, your mom and our daughter have been in a car accident.  They were stopped at a stoplight and someone rear-ended them.  They’re being taken by ambulance to the hospital.”  A mother’s worst fear had just exploded into my world.

I could literally hear my world crashing.  Every cell in my body was screaming “I WANT MY BABY!”  In a blur, I left school and headed to the hospital, a 15 minute drive that seemed to take hours.  When I finally got there and was finally directed to where they were, I was not prepared for what I saw.

There was my mother, in a neck brace, sitting on the end of gurnie.  And my daughter, still in her carseat, with her head taped down to it.  I dropped my things and went to her so that she could see me.  There was no reaction from her.  My heart broke into a thousand pieces.  I don’t know exactly what I expected, but I could tell by her eyes and her body language that she was not herself.  As I was trying to get a reaction, a cry – a laugh – a smile – anything, a police officer asked me to follow him to get her information.  He merely wanted me to spell her name correctly, give our address and her birthdate.  I’m sure I was looking at him as if he were an alien because all I wanted was to be near enough to my daughter to touch her.  When he finally let me go back, there was still no reaction.  I couldn’t see anything wrong with her except for a large red bump forming over the outer corner of her left eye.

We were taken to another room.  She started to perk up and kept asking to get out of the seat.  Finally, after what seemed hours, the doctor checked her and let her out.  She immediately reached for me and wouldn’t let go.  I held her, even after she fell asleep in my arms.

After several more hours of waiting, they did a CT scan.  They allowed me to stay right next to her, but when she started crying for me, my heart ached.  I started singing our song (You Are My Sunshine) to her.  I do not have a pleasant singing voice and often sing off-key, but I didn’t care who was listening.  She had stopped crying and I was going to continue to sing until she was in my arms again.

In the end, I found out the details of the accident, which I don’t think I really wanted to know.  My mom was stopped at a stoplight.  A minivan carrying 4 adults was traveling between 45 and 50 mph and slammed into the back of my mom’s Jeep Grand Cherokee.  A witness said the driver never even hit the brakes.  After she came to a stop on the other side of the intersection, my mom got out and tried to get to my daughter, who had started screaming.  The impact of the crash had jammed the back doors shut.  She quickly climbed back into the front seat and climbed through to the backseat to my crying daughter.  When the firetruck and ambulance arrived, they had to take my daughter and her carseat over the backseat and out the rear tailgate (which had popped open on impact).  Apparently, she fought so hard while they were trying to get a collar on her that they quit trying and just put two sheets on either side of her head and taped her head to the seat.  My mom, in the meantime, was fighting the other paramedics.  She told them was not going to get on a backboard.  She was going to sit where her granddaughter could see her so she wasn’t scared.

In my heart of hearts, I knew she was okay and things could have been worse, but I will carry with me that fear forever.  She had a mild concussion (she vomited when we got home and we had to wake her every 2-3 hours to check on her).  Today, she is fine.  She is playing and dancing.  She cannot tell me what happened and whenever I ask, she changes the subject.  And that’s fine with me.

Avoidance

I came to realize last night something very interesting – at least to me.  I use television as my way to avoid my life.  I find myself turning on the television and tuning out the world.  It is almost an addiction.  While I am not compelled to run home and turn on the television, if I do turn it on, there is no hope of getting anything done, not even interacting with my children.

My maternal grandfather’s tool of avoidance was sleep.  In all of my memories of him, if there was a conflict, he was sleeping.  My mother would disagree with me on the point I am about to make, but I dont’ think I am wrong.  She avoids by physical distance.  She doesn’t have many friends and the ones she does have, she rarely interacts with and she is never the one to make the first move.

My activity of choice is television.  I might feel better about it if the programs I watch if they were educational – but they aren’t.  Much of what I watch are mindless programs, many of them reruns.

What does this mean?  Well, I feel the need to change.  I think by addressing this issue I will feel less guilt about the type of mother I am because I would be spending more time with my children.  I would also feel less stress about my house always being a mess because I would have more time to clean it.  And finally, and most importantly to me right now, I would have more time for me – and right now that means exercising.  I have decided not to focus on weight loss, but focus on feeling better.  I want to be able to enjoy playing again.

That being said, there are a few programs that I intend to continue watching.  The first is “Kid Nation.”  While I don’t generally enjoy reality shows, I am very interested in this one, partly because I am a parent and partly because I am an educator that teaches students in that age range.  There are other shows that I feel may be useful as a teacher and parent, particularly specials, that I will watch.

The first thing I am going to do when I get home tonight is – not watch television.

Where to begin…

1.  My birthday was yesterday.  I am a person who LOVES birthdays – mine and everyone elses.  Unfortunately, not everyone around me feels that way.  It was a nice day, though.  My dear husband got me a gorgeous arrangement of flowers and he took our children out on Tuesday night to buy a gift – which is a silver chain with three square diamonds.  Most of my co-workers were more impressed than I.  While I appreciate it and will wear it with pride, jewelry is my husband’s fall back gift.  Whenever he has not put any thought into the occasion and waits until the last minute, he forgets the dozen or so items I had said would be nice and runs straight for the jewelry store.  See, now I sound bitchy.  Onward, then.  We did go to one of my favorite restaurants for dinner.

2.  I had my initial evaluation on my shoulder last night.  The physical therapist that did it was very kind and personable.  She asked me a lot of questions and really seemed to listen.  After the questions, she asked me to stand and then apologized for what had to happen next.  She had me do several range of motion tests, measuring each time.  It was excrutiatingly painful!  Then she did some strength tests, which didn’t bother me as much, but I did point out that the strength tests should have done first because my shoulder was in so much pain from the range of motion tests.  Anyway, she was very good and said that it shouldn’t take too many sessions before they would know if physical therapy would work because it wasn’t strength I needed to work on – just pain free movement.  She put a patch on my shoulder that will deliver medication directly into the joint.  It seems to be helping as I am not in as much pain today.  We’ll see.  I have to go back tonight.

3.  On a related note, the insurance committee has agreed to look into my claim.  Because we are privately insured, the district has the ability to approve otherwise uncovered items.  I wrote a letter expressing how it made more sense to pay for limited therapy now than to wait until they had to pay for surgery and more extensive therapy later.  Fortunately for me, another teacher in our elementary building just had shoulder surgery this summer and could accurately give a cost on her surgery and therapy.  I’m keeping my fingers crossed.  Another bit of good news on this front is that the therapist isn’t going to charge me anything until I hear from my insurance company.  If they don’t end up covering it, she said they will set up a payment plan for me.

4.  Plans for Christmas have begun – because we will be traveling!  I am quite excited about this prospect.  We will be traveling to Huntsville, Alabama to spend a week with my aunt and uncle and several cousins and their families.  I enjoy traveling and I like spending time with my extended family.  Hopefully everything works out!

I think that’s all.    Oops, time for English class!

Guilt of a Wife/Mother

How is it that somewhere in midst of achieving all of my dreams I lost myself?  Or rather lost what I wanted for myself?  I’m not sure which question is more accurate.  For as long as I can remember, all I ever wanted for my life was to teach children with special needs (which I do), have a husband (which I do), and have children (which I do).  Part of me wants to blame my parents for not expecting more of me.  But what more could they expect?  I don’t conciously remember my parents ingraining these goals in my head.  They always told me that I could do and be whatever I wanted.  I thought this was what I wanted.

There’s this part of my brain that keeps throwing thoughts into my conciousness.  Is this it?  Will the next 50 years be spent tending to my children’s needs, my husband’s needs, my student’s needs?  I want more.  But more of what?  When I try to pin down something that could fulfill this want, I can’t come up with anything.

I take time for myself and do things I enjoy, but it’s not good enough anymore.

Here comes the guilt.  Shouldn’t having a good marriage and the love of my children be enough?  I think of the women I know that are in miserable marriages or going through a divorce and think how lucky I am.  I see couples struggle to have children and I see parents struggle to have a relationship with their children and think how much I love my own children.  I don’t regret getting married and I don’t regret having my children. 

I want to scream at the top of my lungs that there is more to me than being his wife and their mother and the special ed teacher.  But if someone asked me what else is there, I can honestly say I don’t know.  And I feel guilty that being his wife, their mother, and the special ed teacher isn’t enough for me.

More Pictures

These were taken on our town square.  I used a new photo editing program I found and really enjoyed it.  I think I’m going to work on getting some of them looking AT the camera.  As my great grandpa always used to say, “That’s like catching a fart in a windstorm.”  I’m sure there were more pleasant ways to put that, but pleasant was never a word used to describe my great-grandpa, God rest his soul.

Vacation

         

         

Well, here are some pictures from our vacation.  The kids spent most of their time in the lake and I spent most of my time watching from a lounge chair.  The two pictures of them looking out a window was taken on a train ride we took.  I’m still working on the pictures of the train and one of a train bridge.  Anyway, it was an okay vacation.  By the end of the week, my mom and I were getting on each other’s nerves, but the kids kept us occupied. 

Even though we weren’t on the lake that I love, it was still so relaxing to be there.  We didn’t have a television and couldn’t get a cell phone signal so we spent the days by the water and the nights playing games. 

I am feeling quite relaxed.

Epiphany

I have these from time to time and I had a major one the other day.  Lately I have been trying to find something I can get excited about – something that I can do just for me.  I think I miss that most, the me time.  I have lost something – or I never had it.  I don’t know, but I need to do something that I enjoy.

The other day I took my children to our little town square that has a fountain.  I wanted to take some pictures of them to put in frames and give to my husband and my dad for Father’s Day.  I’ve always enjoyed photography – I like taking unique shots.  And every time I have had pictures done by a professional, I think I could get the same or better if I did it myself.  So now, my quest is on.

My birthday is in September and I’m hoping that my husband and my parents will pool their resources and get me a nice camera.  I’m going to start looking at new cameras.  My biggest problem with the small, convenient one I have is that the shutter lag is slow.  I have missed some very good candid pictures of my children because the time between the time I press the button and the time I took the picture was too long.  Does anyone have any suggestions?  I will practice with my little one in the meantime, but I don’t even know where to begin!  This is the first time in a long time that I have gotten excited about something.

So, here are a couple of pictures I have taken of my children.  Not professional quality – yet.

 

Poop – again

I just can’t get away from it (see previous entry on Dino Dung)!  My daughter swallowed a dime.  I know, millions of children have swallowed some type of money and lived through it.  I don’t usually overreact when it comes to things like this, but I did take her to the emergency room. 

 I was in my bedroom folding clothes when my son started yelling at my daughter to give back his money.  When I went in to referee, he was staring at her open mouthed and pointing.  I asked what the problem was (careful not to lay blame quite yet) when my daughter smiled up at me and said, “Money in my tummy – just like piggy,” and pointed proudly to her stomach.  My son said she swallowed his money.  He didn’t know how many coins or what type of coins.  I called the pediatrician who directed me to the prompt care, who then sent me straight to the emergency room.  After a long wait and an x-ray, it was determined that she had swallowed one coin and it was a dime.  Furthermore, it was well past the critical points of the digestive tract and I was sent home with instructions to watch for it.  Digging through poopy diapers is NOT my idea of summer fun!

I did get a huge laugh from my dad.  We were at my parents’ house when my dad came home from work that same day.  Without any explanation, I said, “You know how you used to tell us kids that moeny didn’t come out of your ass?  Well, your granddaughter is about to prove you wrong!”  Now, whenever we talk, my parents ask if she has made change yet.  I guess the only thing I can do now is laugh!