The Turning Tide

Have you ever been in a place where your inner world is changing and you actually feel it as if it is in slow motion?  I’m actually watching it happen, just like I watch a movie.  And I am still okay.

There are a few things to explain first.  I talked to Frank about the end of my friendship.  He did point out that as I was telling him about it, I was quite detached.  On what seems like another topic (but I promise it is connected) we have recently been talking quite a bit about my life leading up to the rape.  He found it interesting to know that when I was young, I cried often.  It seemed that I was always crying – tears of fear, anger, joy – it didn’t matter.  I cried a lot.  However, that is not the case anymore.  I very rarely cry.  Frank and I have talked about this as a type of protection, particularly since my crying as a young adult revolved around trying to control my anger and the pain of being teased.  Anyway, after I told him about the ending of this friendship, he asked me to close my eyes and put myself in the situation again, listening to my friend tell me we could no longer continue our friendship.  He then asked me to change the scenario to include me telling my friend how I felt about it (which I did not do at the time).  As I started to talk, I could feel myself getting choked up so I stopped.  He gently asked me to continue.  I did, but kept stopping.  Finally, he told me very softly that it was okay to cry.  And I did.  The tears just came and came and came.  I was quite embarrassed and kept apologizing.  He reassured me that there was nothing to apologize for and that I was doing something very natural – grieving.  Afterwards, I felt much better.  We finished up with him asking me to not hold back tears.  He wants me to allow them to flow, in private if necessary.

Second, I am continuing to lose weight.  So far I have lost 28 pounds and I worked out 4 mornings this week.  In my running program, I am now at the point where the balance has tipped and I am running more than I am walking.  My energy level is up and I feel like doing things.  And I think my feeling better is positively affecting my marriage – we are getting along better than ever.

For the first time in…well, longer than I can remember, I can say my life is good.  And now I am tearing up because I can’t believe this is my life!  I look forward to each day and I feel like I can handle just about anything that may come my way.  I’ve started looking at getting my master’s degree in special education as well as becoming a nationally certified teacher.  I also would like to get my administrative certificate.  I can hardly believe I’m saying these things!  Yesterday morning as I drove to work, I listened to the song “Feeling Good” by Michael Buble.  It summed up my life right now.

**I need to add that I did talk to Frank about this new feeling.  He was happy for me but cautioned that I needed to be grounded in reality and realize that there are going to be tough times.  He said to enjoy this euphoric time, but don’t be surprised when I hit a road bump.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “The Turning Tide

  1. Those sound like very encouraging events and experiences. I had a good feeling in reading your post.

  2. Dear girl, this is such wonderful news. I am so happy that you’ve found such an excellent and insightful therapist. The process is always one of strides and setbacks, over and over, but it’s great when you make such definitive strides that you can look back when the setback comes, and know you’ll make more progress because you can see how far you’ve come. Keep writing about it, in private if not here, so that when you feel stuck, you can see where you were, and where you are now. You’ve made massive leaps and bounds from where you were six months ago.

    I wondered, when you had that very frightening surgery, whether removing the negative and draining continual pain from your life would open you up to drain a different kind of pain … there’s only so much that one person can deal with at any given time. Whatever caused it … it’s so exciting to witness. *hugs*

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