1 – The school year is almost over. We give out report cards tomorrow and then leave. I look forward to this time, but it makes me a little sad. I like having my day scheduled, with routines. Summer makes me feel a little off, like I’m a little lost. But at the same time, I really want some time off.
2 – I’ve started to lose weight. In the past 3 weeks, I’ve lost 10 pounds. I’ve been very careful about what I’m eating and I keep a food journal. I am finding that I am making some much better choices in food that I eat. I have to say that I am feeling much better. My next step is to start getting more exercise. Now that it is warm, I try to take a walk in the evenings.
3 – I have started therapy. I’m actually on my third counselor. The first one I went to was fine, but she just felt wrong to me. I think it was because she reminded me of my mother. The second counselor I went to was also fine and I saw her twice. I felt comfortable enough to tell her that I wasn’t sure she was what I was looking for. The main reason being that she wanted to immediately put me on medication. She said she understood and referred me to a man in the same practice. I really like him. There was something that just seemed to click instantly. While he is concerned that I may need medication, he is respectful of my wishes – for now. He said that I have classic symptoms of depression but that I have kept it fairly controlled so we just work on my issues for now. I enjoy talking with him and he seems very intuitive. I feel comfortable and I feel good about this experience.
4 – My husband and I are going through another rough time. This time I feel completely helpless. His painful ejaculations are occurring again. However, now it seems that he is also having some erectile dysfunction along with it. I think that the dysfunction is a result of being in pain – it’s his body’s way of defending itself. He finally made an appointment for next week. I hope he doesn’t back out. I didn’t think sex, or lack of it, could cause so many problems. When it first started, we argued a lot and part of it was because I felt very inadequate. I’m trying very hard to be understanding, but the longer he has waited, the more difficult it has become for me. It doesn’t help that for the first time in my life, it seems to be all I want. Hopefully this appointment will be the start to some healing.
5 – I started listening to some different music. A good friend recommended it and I’m really enjoying it. His name is Michael Buble. It’s very jazzy, big bandish. He has remade a number of familiar songs as well as recorded original songs. Some of it makes me feel very sexy (maybe I need to quit listening for awhile) and some of it makes me feel like dancing. I like that feeling.
6 – Next week I go for my follow up blood work to test for cancer. There is a part of me that knows, deep down, that the tests will come back clear. I can’t explain it, but I know. There is also a part of my brain that knows something could be wrong, but in my gut, I feel like it’s going to be okay.