Why is that when things are going amazingly well for me, the bottom seems to drop out from beneath me? Since my surgery, I have felt amazingly well. For a short time, I kept expecting the pain to return and when it didn’t, I was so happy. My husband and I seemed to in complete sync. I guess I just expected this to continue. Well, it hasn’t.
Up until two weeks ago, things in my life since the surgery have been almost fairy tale like. My husband and I weren’t fighting, we were on the same page when it came to the kids, we laughed a lot, sex was amazing. Then, suddenly, the bottom fell out. It actually started because of sex. For years, my husband has experienced some…shall we say technical difficulties…when it came to sex. There was disfunction as well as pain. I asked and asked him to go to a doctor, even making some appointments for him, only to have him cancel at the last minute. We seemingly had moved past that recently and we thought the problem had corrected itself. Well, about a week ago, the problems resurfaced. And he has completely shut me out. All we’ve done this week is fight. And the fights are about absolutely nothing.
Today is a gloriously beautiful day but all I want to do is crawl into my bed and hide. I can feel the shadows coming back. They are so sneaky. I think I had fooled myself into thinking that they were associated with my pain and would go away once I didn’t have the pain. But there here, circling. I want to hide or run away (but with gas prices as they are, going anywhere is unrealistic). Of course, my husband has spent the day at work and will spend most of tomorrow at work so I can’t even take a walk without the kids. I’m trying very hard not to snap at the kids and take out my feelings on them, but when they’re the only ones around me, it’s getting harder and harder.
I want the happy back.