My surgery is less than 48 hours away. I was doing fine until yesterday. I realized that everything was ready for my substitute and I no longer had anything to occupy my mind. I also talked to the hospital. They called to ask some medical history. After I hung up, I had a small breakdown. It suddenly seemed so real. It also didn’t help that, after school, I was talking to a friend and he was quite dismissive about the whole thing. I told him that I was nervous and he told me there was nothing to worry about – totally routine procedure. I told him that while my mind knows this is considered minor, the knots in my stomach and the huge lump that has implanted itself in my throat think differently. I didn’t expect him to make a huge deal out of it, but I guess I was looking for someone to tell me that my feelings were okay – someone to reassure me. It really hurt my feelings.
My husband has been quite sick since Thursday night with some sort of respiratory thing. While I feel horrible for him and my instincts are to take care of him, I can’t risk getting sick and need to keep my distance. This is making him even crankier.
I am completely aware that my fears are bordering on craziness, but I can’t help it.
I fear that I won’t wake up from this surgery.
I fear that they are going to find something worse, like cancer.
I fear that the doctors will make some mistake that will alter my life forever.
I fear that this is going to lead to celiac, which happened with my mom.
I fear that this won’t stop the constant pain.
I fear that I am going to regret having this surgery.
The fears keep sneaking up on me. I’ll be fine, going about my business, then WHAM! I’m on the verge of tears. It also doesn’t help that I haven’t really had much sleep since Wednesday night. I’ll keep telling myself that everything will be okay. It will be, right?