Try to follow…

…because this is going to be one of those days when I can’t focus on anything for longer than about 5 minutes.  I am so exhausted that last night, I went to bed with my bra on and didn’t notice until I went to get in the shower this morning.  I know some women wear them to bed, however, I am not one of them.  I believe they are torture devices albeit necessary.

I yelled at both my children this morning.  Both were whining and not doing what I asked.  I actually even flicked my daughter on the lips because she has started screeching her back talk.  She was stunned at first, then cried.  As we drove to my parents’ house, I realized that I, in fact, was becoming my mother.  Today my brothers and I joke about how my dad spanked and my mom screamed.  While I love her and think she did a fine job of raising me and my two brothers, I don’t want to be her.  So, when we got out of the car, I took each of my children individually, gave them a hug, apologized for yelling, and told them I loved them.  I don’t know how it affected them, but it definitely made me feel better.

Miscommunication seems to be the name of the game at my house.  Last night I was scheduled to work at a basketball game.  My mom complained this past weekend about how much time the kids were at her house so I said I would pick them up and take them to the game with me until my husband got off work and could pick them up.  Well, the first game gets over and my husband is nowhere to be found.  I call him between games and he says, “You said you were taking them to the game so I told my boss I could work visitation.”  I curtly replied, “No, I said I would keep them until you came and got them.”  Then I hung up on him.

This morning I was listening to a song that made me realize something.  The line in the song says, “I never saw it coming/I should have started running/A long, long time ago.”  I think part of my discontent lately is due to the fact that I am always worried that it could all end any minute.  No, that’s not right.  I see all of my relationships as getting ready to end.  I think that the people I care about most are going to hurt me or worse yet, leave me.  In preparing myself for that, I am sabotaging my life.  It seems impossible for me to put my complete trust in people and to allow them to just love me.  I think that’s why I feel such a disconnect with  my children and my husband sometimes.  But I don’t know how to change it.

Today is Halloween and trying to be the good mother, I volunteered to send the popcorn for the party at my son’s school.  And, typical of me, I forgot about it until my son said something last night at 8pm.  And, typical for me, I didn’t have enough baggies.  My daughter was already in bed so I couldn’t leave.  I called my husband at work and asked him to get them on the way home.  He came home an hour and a half later.  We had just enough popcorn for 20 baggies full.  Tonight, we have to make the rounds early (my in-laws, the old babysitter, my son’s godparents) then we go home and hand out candy.  My son has decided to be a doctor.  Not a surgeon – family practice.  He wants to look just like his doctor so he is wearing a blue dress shirt, tan pants, and a tie with a white lab coat.  He has a bag with all his “doctor” tools in it.  He does look quite cute.  My daughter is a chicken.  Her costume is so funny – orange legs with a puffy white top.  And her favorite thing to do is the chicken dance, so it is appropriate.

Okay,  I have to teach now.



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3 responses to “Try to follow…

  1. Sounds like one of those mornings from Hell, for sure (which is, I suppose, appropriate for Halloween).

    I’m in the same boat regarding fear of loss; in my case it is so extreme that I have ceased to invest emotionally in any apsect of my life, and now see everything in terms of utility instead of pleasure or joy. The only thing I actually invest in or look forward to is my cats. That’s it. Everything else is at a safe distance, but of course the cost involved is that my life is completely colorless and held hostage to fear.

    My therapist says this can be worked through, and I imagine she’d know, if she’s seen people do it before. Chances are I’ll ramble a bit about the process on my blog, as I am wont to do, and if ever I say anything that you’re curious about, you can always feel free to ask me.

    My sense is that the trick is to build up a sense of your own inner resilience, so that risks are safer to take. Personally, I have less than none at this point, and am very confused as to how in the world I will manage to create something out of thin air. I’ll keep you posted. 🙂

    Have fun with the kidlets tonight– their costumes sound darling. I’d love to see a picture, if you feel like posting one.

  2. trured73

    I am at a loss too on how to change this. Therapy is looking better and better. Maybe someone who knows what they’re doing would do me a world of good. Right now, I’m on that precipice of not trusting. I mean, I am married, I have two children, a job and people I consider friends, so I there has to be something there. But I feel a certain disconnect with it all. I had lunch on Sunday with some old college roommates and one of them (single without children) said, “But you wouldn’t change being married and having kids, right?” I just stared at her. I wanted to answer no, but I couldn’t. Not that I could say yes either. I think I may have stunned her slightly. Anyway, I am very interested in your journey and I will keep reading. And I will definitely post a picture of the kids. Hopefully I will get it before the sugar rush!

  3. That trust issue is a funny thing … I’ve been trying to sort it out in relation to my own friends. I must trust them to some degree, but I feel that I don’t trust them on any level that kind of “sinks in,” if that makes any sense … except for my friend Josh, who in some ways has the safekeeping of my sanity. These questions are becoming more and more baffling to me … why do we trust? How do we learn whom to trust, and how far? And perhaps most importantly — what do we do when that trust is betrayed, as it inevitably will be?

    I’m certainly a long way from finding any answers, but the questions are getting clearer.

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