…because this is going to be one of those days when I can’t focus on anything for longer than about 5 minutes. I am so exhausted that last night, I went to bed with my bra on and didn’t notice until I went to get in the shower this morning. I know some women wear them to bed, however, I am not one of them. I believe they are torture devices albeit necessary.
I yelled at both my children this morning. Both were whining and not doing what I asked. I actually even flicked my daughter on the lips because she has started screeching her back talk. She was stunned at first, then cried. As we drove to my parents’ house, I realized that I, in fact, was becoming my mother. Today my brothers and I joke about how my dad spanked and my mom screamed. While I love her and think she did a fine job of raising me and my two brothers, I don’t want to be her. So, when we got out of the car, I took each of my children individually, gave them a hug, apologized for yelling, and told them I loved them. I don’t know how it affected them, but it definitely made me feel better.
Miscommunication seems to be the name of the game at my house. Last night I was scheduled to work at a basketball game. My mom complained this past weekend about how much time the kids were at her house so I said I would pick them up and take them to the game with me until my husband got off work and could pick them up. Well, the first game gets over and my husband is nowhere to be found. I call him between games and he says, “You said you were taking them to the game so I told my boss I could work visitation.” I curtly replied, “No, I said I would keep them until you came and got them.” Then I hung up on him.
This morning I was listening to a song that made me realize something. The line in the song says, “I never saw it coming/I should have started running/A long, long time ago.” I think part of my discontent lately is due to the fact that I am always worried that it could all end any minute. No, that’s not right. I see all of my relationships as getting ready to end. I think that the people I care about most are going to hurt me or worse yet, leave me. In preparing myself for that, I am sabotaging my life. It seems impossible for me to put my complete trust in people and to allow them to just love me. I think that’s why I feel such a disconnect with my children and my husband sometimes. But I don’t know how to change it.
Today is Halloween and trying to be the good mother, I volunteered to send the popcorn for the party at my son’s school. And, typical of me, I forgot about it until my son said something last night at 8pm. And, typical for me, I didn’t have enough baggies. My daughter was already in bed so I couldn’t leave. I called my husband at work and asked him to get them on the way home. He came home an hour and a half later. We had just enough popcorn for 20 baggies full. Tonight, we have to make the rounds early (my in-laws, the old babysitter, my son’s godparents) then we go home and hand out candy. My son has decided to be a doctor. Not a surgeon – family practice. He wants to look just like his doctor so he is wearing a blue dress shirt, tan pants, and a tie with a white lab coat. He has a bag with all his “doctor” tools in it. He does look quite cute. My daughter is a chicken. Her costume is so funny – orange legs with a puffy white top. And her favorite thing to do is the chicken dance, so it is appropriate.
Okay, I have to teach now.