Last night, I talked to my husband. I mean, REALLY talked to him. It didn’t go as I had hoped, but it went very much like I expected. His immediate reaction was, “What can I do to fix this?” I kept trying to explain to him that it was something he could fix – that I’m not something he can fix. As is my habit, I don’t think I was clear on what I was trying to convey. Speaking about feelings is so difficult for me. I usually end up making things worse. Most of the people in my life would say that I talk too much, but what no one seems to realize is that I don’t really say much. It’s a defense to hide my true feelings. Talk about nothing so no one realizes that it is something. At one point, he asked if I was trying to tell him I wanted a divorce. Yes, I was screwing it up that bad. I don’t think we accomplished much, but I did realize a few things about myself and my marriage.
First, if I want to get a point across to him, I need to write it. I find that I write much more clearly than I speak. Of course, I am a fanatic about proofreading and often rewrite things until they are exactly how I want them. Huh, maybe that’s why my writing is clearer. Anyway, second, my husband has a number of emotional issues himself going back almost 20 years to when his parents divorced. He processes things differently and ultimately will end up at a very different conclusion than I would. Finally, a piece of advice came back to me. Someone I admire very much, who is extremely wise, and who I feel so blessed to have in my life gave me this advice many years ago. She told me that I needed to truly trust him. I have to trust him with everything about me. Yes, that means that he is the one person who can hurt me worse than anyone, but if I don’t truly trust him with my heart and soul, I will be missing out. I remembered those words last night. Looking at the pain in his eyes hurt, but the pain was because he didn’t know what to do and it was his love for me. I have been trying to go this journey alone, but I’m wondering if he is what I really need – someone who is with me to lean on. Many people in my life seem to have allowed me to push them away – except for him. When I gave him the ultimatum to quit drinking or leave, I was more prepared for him to leave, but he didn’t. That threw me. I had completely underestimated his love for me.
Last night, I was trying to make him understand me, but it wasn’t working. First thing this morning, I sent him an email. I spent almost an hour on it. His reply was simple, but it lifted some of the weight.
“Why didn’t you just say this last night?”
Maybe I should only communicate in writing – take a vow of silence. Mmmmm…maybe not.