Done

The shadows are coming again and I don’t have the energy to fight them.  I started blogging because I felt like my life was missing something – that part of me was lost.  I don’t care anymore.  I’m done fighting for something I can’t seem to reach.  I will be the dutiful wife, the caring mother, the concerned teacher, understanding friend.  I thought there was more to me but maybe I’m wrong.  I have nothing left at the end of the day.  Redefining myself has been so important but I can’t do it anymore.  Every ounce of strength I have is being used by others and for others.  There is nothing left.  This darkness, these shadows are overwhelming.  I think they represent everyone in my life.  Taking pieces of me, dimming the light that was once me.  I will continue with my life, playing the roles I am in.  Right now, I am fighting the urge to crawl under my desk and cry.  I just want to be someplace without everyone wanting – needing – something from me.  Maybe I’m too naive in wishing that there was one person in this world to put a hand on my shoulder or give me a hug and listen.  Not give advice, not try to fix me.  Just be there for me.

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6 Comments

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6 responses to “Done

  1. No, it isn’t naive. You deserve that; everyone does. The question might be whether you can allow yourself to accept that from someone even if you have to tell that person it’s what you need. Men, particularly, are prone to wanting to fix things. We need to be reminded to hush up and just be. I wonder whether your husband would be able to hear you if you were to tell him what you need? Maybe that wouldn’t work, since he’s one of the shadow-figures in your life. *sigh* People are so many things to us, all at once … it’s sometimes hard to absorb the good without it being diminished by the problems, you know?

    You won’t give up; it’s not in your nature. You’re a reflective, seeking, loving woman … and overwhelmed, frustrated, and lonely though you may be … I don’t believe it’s in you to give up.

  2. trured73

    I don’t know, David. There’s this pain in my chest everytime I try. It just seems like it would be easier to just give up and let the people around me dictate my life for me. I know, easier is not better, but anything is better than this, this…

  3. It’s possible that a period of surrender would make it more clear to you what you want to fight for or move toward. I sense (perhaps incorrectly) that part of the pain of your struggle is not knowing where you’re trying to go. I can only speak from my own experience, of course … but there have been plenty of times when I’ve simply retreated, and held the idea that I was ready to receive information, because there was nothing effective I could do. Sometimes I got thrown a rope to get over the wall. Sometimes I found the hidden door in the wall. And sometimes all I got was a second wind to keep chipping away at the wall with the same hammer and chisel I’d already been using.

    Stopping is not the same thing as giving up. I promise, it isn’t.

  4. trured73

    Sometimes I wonder if I am wired more like a man. I want to fix this, I want to make it better. And I guess I can see how stopping is not the same thing as giving up, but I stopped years ago and look where it got me. When I was in college, I had this same feeling. This restlessness, this unhappiness, this fear and I stopped fighting it. Now, ten years later and I’m back where I started. It seems the more I obsess about it, the more I resent the people around me because I blame them. But then I feel guilty because these are the people I care about and who care about me. I don’t doubt my husband’s love for me, but at the same time I blame him. You’re right – it is hard to absorb the good without being diminished by the problems. And then I have this horrible guilt about wanting more out of my life, out of myself, without sounding like I don’t want my kids. I’ve never heard a mother say the things I am feeling and that makes me feel guilty. I love my children, but they are so much work. When is it my time? Then I feel guilty because I have a husband and parents that are incredibly helpful, but it’s not helping me. Okay, I’m having an anxiety attack again. This isn’t good for me but I don’t know what to do except give up – put all of my feelings aside and be the caregiver.

  5. Dear heart, if you’ve never heard a mother say the things you’re feeling, then you’ve never spoken to a mother who is honest with herself. Quite recently, my friend Elissa said to me: “David, there’s not a mother alive who doesn’t sometimes have a deep longing to throw her child out the window. Every parent feels burdened. What matters is how you handle those feelings.” Elissa and Nick are probably the best parents I’ve ever personally witnessed. But Elissa has no illusions about herself, or about the fact that parenting is an incredibly hard and often thankless job. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling that you’re overstretched and undersupported. You do deserve your own time. Everyone does, and especially mothers of young children who also work a demanding job. You are by no means the first woman in the world who got married, had a couple of kids, and woke up ten years later wondering what the hell happened and where her life went. It’s quite common. That doesn’t make things any easier, but it does mean that there are resources available to see how other women learn to reclaim their lives and their identities. Your particular experience and suffering are unique, but you may be able to find some hope in the examples of women who have been similarly stuck, and made it through.

    It is natural for you to blame people around you, because you feel powerless. And you know — it’s OK to love someone and be angry with them at the same time. The two things are not mutually exclusive. It’s OK to see how someone in your life hurt you, held you back, or failed to respect you, and still love that person. People aren’t perfect, and in my experience, if you allow yourself to see them clearly, and experience your full range of emotional reaction to them, you’re more likely to be able to assess who they really are in your life, and to deal with them effectively.

    There are different kinds of stopping. If you stop fighting, and also push away or ignore what you’re feeling, then yes, that is a form of giving up. If you stop fighting, and continue to be aware of your restlessness, and just hold it, to see what step you may be able to take — that is not giving up. Right now what you seem to be doing, emotionally, is running on a treadmill. You’re in motion, but for no particular reason. Stopping, and allowing yourself to exist with your discomfort, (rather than putting it aside), may give you a clue as to which direction to start walking, rather than spinning your wheels as you feel you are doing now.

    And don’t forget . . . your kids won’t be little forever. If your blogsite address is any clue, you’re only 34. Even if you had to wait another ten years to experience your full potential — good Lord, you’d still be young. You still have time. It’s never too late to reinvent yourself.

  6. trured73

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

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