Thank you David for your insight.  I believe that you have tapped into something.  I am quite passive and easily intimidated; however, if you ask those around me they will say that I am aggressive and intimidating.  I am usually the one standing up to other people – for other people.  When it doesn’t involve me, I’ll go ten rounds with anyone.  When it involves my feelings and perceptions, it is a whole different world.  All of this, I believe, is tied into my restlessness.

My entire life has been a journey of passiveness.  I have allowed everyone around me to dictate what I do, how I do it, and when I do it.  Now, I can only define myself in terms of others.  I doubt everything about my life.  I worry every day about what people are thinking or saying about me.  I want to be liked by others, even if that means not liking myself.  When I get ready in the morning, my thought as I look in the mirror is, “What would my mom say about this?”  Each year for my birthday, my parents give me a gift card to buy clothes for work.  Of course, my mother goes with me and it is for a store that she shops at and while I like some of their clothes, I bite my tongue because it was a gift from them and I feel ungrateful if I say something negative.  At work, I worry what people think of my clothes and I worry what they think about how I teach.  There have been many times when I have felt really good about how a particular lesson as gone only to be criticized by someone else and never used the lesson again.  But I would bet a paycheck that if you ask the people I work with, they would describe me as confident.

But there is a little voice inside of me.  This little part is getting louder and louder.  I want to be the center of attention.  I want to be different.  I want to be the one that everyone sees and says, “Wow, that’s the kind of person I want to be.”  I want to be a person of my own definition – but I don’t know where to start.


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One response to “Response

  1. The book is called “The Stranger in the Mirror.”

    This post was interesting to me . . . as I mentioned briefly on my site yesterday, I took a bunch of psych. evaluation tests. One of them was testing for dissociation signs and symptoms. They seemed divided into two types of questions — one set focusing on whether the test subject is defined by other people, loses a sense of identity when with other people, gets talked into things easily, does what other people want, etc. The other set focused on irrational emotional reactions, particularly liking someone one moment and hating that same person the next moment. In my own case, I don’t often do what other people want me to do, but I registered very high for the irrational reactions. That’s something I don’t admit very often, because it makes me feel so completely insane. Frankly, I’d rather be you. 🙂

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