Thank you David for your insight. I believe that you have tapped into something. I am quite passive and easily intimidated; however, if you ask those around me they will say that I am aggressive and intimidating. I am usually the one standing up to other people – for other people. When it doesn’t involve me, I’ll go ten rounds with anyone. When it involves my feelings and perceptions, it is a whole different world. All of this, I believe, is tied into my restlessness.
My entire life has been a journey of passiveness. I have allowed everyone around me to dictate what I do, how I do it, and when I do it. Now, I can only define myself in terms of others. I doubt everything about my life. I worry every day about what people are thinking or saying about me. I want to be liked by others, even if that means not liking myself. When I get ready in the morning, my thought as I look in the mirror is, “What would my mom say about this?” Each year for my birthday, my parents give me a gift card to buy clothes for work. Of course, my mother goes with me and it is for a store that she shops at and while I like some of their clothes, I bite my tongue because it was a gift from them and I feel ungrateful if I say something negative. At work, I worry what people think of my clothes and I worry what they think about how I teach. There have been many times when I have felt really good about how a particular lesson as gone only to be criticized by someone else and never used the lesson again. But I would bet a paycheck that if you ask the people I work with, they would describe me as confident.
But there is a little voice inside of me. This little part is getting louder and louder. I want to be the center of attention. I want to be different. I want to be the one that everyone sees and says, “Wow, that’s the kind of person I want to be.” I want to be a person of my own definition – but I don’t know where to start.