It has been over a week since my last post. In reading that last post, I found myself worried. I have to admit that when I went to the doctor last time, I was not completely honest with him. I think he only agreed to relaxation and meditation because I wasn’t forthright with him about the severity of my issues. I have made an appointment for the end of this week. My intent is to be more honest with him. I say my intent because I have a tendency to revert to my shell when I am confronted with issues that I fear others will see as weakness or that will cause them to be disappointed in me. Most of the time, I know that my fears are compleley unfounded, as was evident from the reaction from a friend.
He called me to make sure I was okay and reassured me that I needed to do something, whether it be medication or therapy. I was very aware that it was not disappointment in his voice, but concern. Something else I became aware of was that other friends who encountered me that day have chosen to ignore that anything happened. They asked if I was okay that day, but didn’t press it. They chose, after I began feeling better, to act like nothing happened. It seemed that their biggest concern was wether they had anything to do with it. I am disturbed by it, but I can’t worry about it. For once, I need to worry about myself.
I’ve also realized that one of the reasons I am so open about my life and the little problems I encounter is because I have been covering up for something much more serious. I really don’t have a problem talking about most things that happen on a day to day basis. I have always just given the excuse that I’m an open person. But I’m beginning to realize that it has more to do with not letting people in too close to see the more serious problems.
I’ve got a lot of work to do.