August 29, 2008
Have you ever been in a place where your inner world is changing and you actually feel it as if it is in slow motion? I’m actually watching it happen, just like I watch a movie. And I am still okay.
There are a few things to explain first. I talked to Frank about the end of my friendship. He did point out that as I was telling him about it, I was quite detached. On what seems like another topic (but I promise it is connected) we have recently been talking quite a bit about my life leading up to the rape. He found it interesting to know that when I was young, I cried often. It seemed that I was always crying – tears of fear, anger, joy – it didn’t matter. I cried a lot. However, that is not the case anymore. I very rarely cry. Frank and I have talked about this as a type of protection, particularly since my crying as a young adult revolved around trying to control my anger and the pain of being teased. Anyway, after I told him about the ending of this friendship, he asked me to close my eyes and put myself in the situation again, listening to my friend tell me we could no longer continue our friendship. He then asked me to change the scenario to include me telling my friend how I felt about it (which I did not do at the time). As I started to talk, I could feel myself getting choked up so I stopped. He gently asked me to continue. I did, but kept stopping. Finally, he told me very softly that it was okay to cry. And I did. The tears just came and came and came. I was quite embarrassed and kept apologizing. He reassured me that there was nothing to apologize for and that I was doing something very natural – grieving. Afterwards, I felt much better. We finished up with him asking me to not hold back tears. He wants me to allow them to flow, in private if necessary.
Second, I am continuing to lose weight. So far I have lost 28 pounds and I worked out 4 mornings this week. In my running program, I am now at the point where the balance has tipped and I am running more than I am walking. My energy level is up and I feel like doing things. And I think my feeling better is positively affecting my marriage – we are getting along better than ever.
For the first time in…well, longer than I can remember, I can say my life is good. And now I am tearing up because I can’t believe this is my life! I look forward to each day and I feel like I can handle just about anything that may come my way. I’ve started looking at getting my master’s degree in special education as well as becoming a nationally certified teacher. I also would like to get my administrative certificate. I can hardly believe I’m saying these things! Yesterday morning as I drove to work, I listened to the song “Feeling Good” by Michael Buble. It summed up my life right now.
**I need to add that I did talk to Frank about this new feeling. He was happy for me but cautioned that I needed to be grounded in reality and realize that there are going to be tough times. He said to enjoy this euphoric time, but don’t be surprised when I hit a road bump.
August 18, 2008
She knew, looking into his eyes, that it was over. He was saying the words, but she didn’t need to hear them to know he was severing their friendship – possibly forever. She had opened her soul to him. Sharing with him her life, her desires, her fears had come naturally. Their friendship had always felt natural. Now it all felt worthless. She felt worthless. The panic began to rise and she felt the need to run. The mask of understanding was securely on her face but wouldn’t last long. Finally, she walked from the room. As she crossed the threshold, she had never felt more alone. There was no one to talk to. No one to ease her pain. No other soul would understand their connection or the pain – not her husband or her other friends. Her heart was choking and she didn’t know how to stop it.
August 12, 2008
Well, my weight loss is actually coming along. I have lost 23 pounds. And I’m running again. When I was in high school, I was on the track team. At the time, I was fairly lazy and allowed my friends to influence me – which meant doing as little as possible. Anyway, I did enjoy running at one time. My goal is to run Race for the Cure in May, which is a 5K. I did some research and a good friend of mine who actually runs marathons gave me a website called Couch-to-5K. I’m only on the second week, but I feel really good. I can’t believe how much energy I have!
I am watching what I eat. I’m actually keeping a food journal of everything I eat and it has really helped me evaluate what I put into my mouth. I’ve started making much better choices. Someone gave me the advice to never be hungry and never be stuffed. So I’m also learning to listen to my body and when it’s actually hungry and when it’s actually full.
I can’t believe how much better I feel!
August 8, 2008
I went on a vacation last week. I traveled to northern Wisconsin with my mom and kids to see my youngest brother. While being on a lake with beautiful weather is close to my idea of heaven, this vacation was not as relaxing as I had hoped it would be.
My mother takes anti-deperessants and has for a number of years. Well, she didn’t take them for several days while we were up there. It became quite uncomfortable. I felt like I was taking care of another child who was having a meltdown. I didn’t know what was wrong until she said something about forgetting to take her medicine. I made sure she took it then.
And I was also reminded of why I am happy that my brother lives 8 hours away. He is probably one of the most helpful people I know and I hear people rave about him all the time. Well, he is also a pompous ass. He spent the week lecturing me on how I spend money, how I raise my children, and what a failure I am as a wife. Oh yeah, and he likes to tell me that I’m not a real teacher since I teach special ed. Let me tell you, it almost put me over the edge. At one point, my 3 year old daughter was throwing a temper tantrum and he actually said, “Your her mom, make her stop.” I looked at him and replied, “That’s like trying to stop a tornado.” He criticized the amount of money I was spending and kept asking me why I didn’t take better care of my husband (in his mind this means I should have dinner on the table when he gets home from work, all of his clothes clean and pressed, and the house spotless). Anyway, my mother’s response to all of his comments was to tell me no fighting. I finally figured out a few things after all these years. My parents have always told my other brother and I to just ignore him. They never told him to stop or leave us alone and so he has grown up thinking he can do and say whatever he wants when it comes to his siblings. And now that he lives so far away, my parents rarely see him and so they don’t want to make him mad. The other thing I realized was that my other brother and I have grown up and developed an adult relationship over the past several years. We still have our disagreements, but we deal with them in a fairly adult manner. My youngest brother, however, is a different story. I was away at college when he was in high school and by the time I came home, he moved 8 hours away to go to college. He still relates to me as if I’m in high school and he’s in junior high. My other brother feels the same way and while he was around more than I was, it’s like the relationship has never moved beyond that of high schoolers. I don’t know how we’re going to change things. Oh well, I don’t have to see him again for another year or so.
All in all, I enjoyed the week because I love lakes and cabins.
August 7, 2008
…belongings, acquirements, stuff, junk, crap. We are in the process of moving my grandmother from her home two hours away from our home to our town. Cleaning out her house has been an experience. My grandmother is a woman with many issues (must be a family thing) and she has always been obsessed with having things. And because her and my grandfather struggled for money for many years, most of the things she acquired were of very little value. Now that those things are 50 years old, they are of even less value.
She is moving from a five room, one bathroom house with a basement into a two room, one bathroom apartement in a supportive living facility. She wants to take everything and what she isn’t taking, she thinks will get a small fortune at an auction. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if we sell these things at an auction, we’ll lose money. There isn’t anything of real value. Most of the large furniture or things of value have been spoken for by my mother and her three sisters.
I spent two entire weekends helping my mother clean out her house. There were tears and arguing and a whole lot of upset. I just can’t deal with it right now. My mom has exempted me from helping with the actual move this weekend because I was so helpful most of the summer.
It all seems worth it, though. My son said, on our way home from her house, he was excited because now that she would live near us, she could see him play baseball and soccer. While I think she is a crabby old woman (she’s 91), going through all of this so that my kids have good memories of her makes it all okay for me.
August 7, 2008
Well, I have a new therapist. After I talked about my rape, my therapist said that while he was working on some training in PTSD, he felt that it would be unfair to me to not have someone who was more capable. I thanked him and told him that I respect that and while I was sad to switch because I felt we had a good relationship, I wanted the best. The man he referred me to is actually his brother-in-law who works in the same group. He said that he felt confident that if we got along, I would get along with him. Okay, before I go on, I’m going to have to give my therapist a name. Let’s see…I think I’ll call him Frank. I don’t know why, but if he just look like a Frank.
Well, Frank and I do get along well. We initially talked about the rape – sorry, my rape – but he feels that I have disconnected from it to such an extent that we have to work our way back to that time. He has asked me to refer to as “my rape” as a way of trying to connect so I’m doing my best. I do enjoy our talks and he is so patient. When I talked about my reaction to being near the apartment, I began having the physical reaction. He taught me a tapping sequence while I was having the physical reaction. While it’s no miracle, it seems to have weakened those reactions.
Frank has to remind me often that I need to be patient. I want it to be fixed, but I have to keep in mind it is a process.
August 5, 2008
I have so much to write about that I’ve decided to write each thought in a different post. Otherwise I will be writing an impossibly long post that even I wouldn’t read. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t sleep because I have all of these thoughts racing around my head. I don’t even know if I’ll write in chronological order. I just have to work with what is foremost in my mind and work my way down the list.
July 8, 2008
I’ve been meaning to post for a couple of days, but life seems to have gotten away from me. I’ve decided to put everything on hold and write about my baby brother. Growing up, he was the wild one, always into trouble and looking for the next adventure. He is highly intelligent and quite personable. We used to joke that he could sell a blind man a car. When he was about 5, we took our first vacation to the North Woods of Wisconsin. He told everyone that someday he would live there. Shortly after that first trip, he went into the hospital to have tubes put in his ears (a thirty minute procedure) and eight hours later came out of it. They found a tumor that was an eighth of an inch from his brain. Several surgeries later, it was necessary to remove all of the hearing bones in his right ear, so he is completely deaf on one side. In junior high, he was diagnosed with mitral valve prolapse (one of the of the valves in his heart doesn’t close all the way and makes his heart fairly ineffecient). None of this stopped him. He continued to play sports and live his life. He went to the local junior college for two years then transferred to the University of Wisconsin at River Falls. I was so proud of him for following his dream. He works for the Department of Natural Resources and loves his job and his life. He is in constant motion and always willing to help anyone. He and I often argue and I can usually only spend small chunks of time with him (I usually say he’s a pompous ass).
A few years ago, he obtained his National Forestfire Firefighting License. He has been all over the country helping fight wildfires. Last night, he left for California to help fight the Gap Fire near Goleta, CA. I am so worried about him. I know any type of firefighting is dangerous, but the wildfires in California always sound the worst. He will be there for about a week and a half. We are planning a visit for shortly have he is scheduled to return so I will get to see him and make sure he is okay. I just pray that the fire is as contained as they say it is and that he is there for backup support and things won’t go wrong.
My sisterly intsincts, as well as, I think, some maternal intsincts, have kicked in. I’m worried.
June 30, 2008
I realize there are some things that are out of our control in life. Accidents just happen. That thought doesn’t help me at all. It still makes me feel bad and almost sick to my stomach that I ruined something.
For Mother’s Day, my husband and kids got me a new cell phone. Not just any old cell phone. A PDA/Smartphone. They got the Mogul by HTC. It is a phone, a PDA, an MP3 player, a mini-computer, and a camera. I loved everything about it and I had transfered my world onto it. I kept my datebook with all of our family stuff there. I kept track of my tutoring assignments as well as payments. I had my most favorite music on there. All of my contacts were there, with not only phone numbers, but birthdays, anniversaries, and addresses. I connected to the internet with it – mainly to check weather and driving directions. I kept track of my weight loss on it. I had some really cute pictures of my kids on it. Now, I cannot access any of it. Here’s what happened.
Today, a friend called and asked if my kids and I wanted to join them at a local park for a little picnic and playtime for the kids. She even offered to drive. It sounded great so I packed lunches and the kids. When she arrived, I was attempting to put my daughter’s carseat in the car. I was getting ready to set the phone down on the floorboard (the only reason I had it in my hand was because I wanted to show my friend the cute picture I had taken of the kids a few minutes before). Anyway, my daughter ran into me and I dropped the phone. It was in it’s case, but apparently that wasn’t enough. When we got situated and I took the phone out to inspect it, the screen was cracked. Actually, that’s not exactly right. It is not physically cracked, but the image looks cracked, which I believe means the inards of the screen are cracked. I looked online to find out how much it would be to replace the phone without a new contract – $550. We can’t afford that. Oh yeah, and my husband didn’t get insurance on the phone.
I don’t know what to do. My husband didn’t sound angry when I called him and he is currently trying to figure something out. I do have all of the information that was in it in other places, but it was just nice to have it all in the same place. I can hear my dad saying, “Live and learn. Get insurance and be careful.”
June 27, 2008
It seems that the past always knocks me for a loop. Yesterday, I attended an educational conference in my former college town. I was very excited about both the conference and returning to my former stomping grounds – I haven’t been back since I graduated 11 years ago. The conference was very informative and I learned a lot. Afterwards, I went to campus to walk around. I was really enjoying myself, remembering people and places. Not all of them were good memories, but the experience was enjoyable. As I was leaving, I took a wrong turn. I knew immediately what I had done and looked for a street sign of the crossing street. And suddenly, I saw it. An apartment building like so many others on college campuses – slightly run down, very basic and sterile. The difference between this apartment building and any other is that this is the apartment building where I was raped 14 years ago. I turned the corner and parked my car. I couldn’t breathe and I felt like I was going to vomit. My hands were shaking and sweating. I could feel the shadows swallowing me whole. That horrible night replayed in my mind as if it was yesterday. I don’t know how long I sat there, but I slowly began to realize I was driving out of town. The further away I got, the better I started to feel.
I can admit now that I didn’t deal with it at the time. I was young and very naive and just wanted the whole thing to go away. For 14 years I have put that night in its own little box in my mind. I think I have treated it as if it happened to someone else, like a story a friend had told me. It may not have been the healthy way to deal with it, but I didn’t know any other way at the time. And since then, it’s not something I really think about.
I plan on talking to my therapist about it next week. I’m not sure what he’ll say or what will happen now, but I have a feeling that some of the issues I’m trying to deal with now are connected to that night.
