My Brother and the Gap Fire

I’ve been meaning to post for a couple of days, but life seems to have gotten away from me.  I’ve decided to put everything on hold and write about my baby brother.  Growing up, he was the wild one, always into trouble and looking for the next adventure.  He is highly intelligent and quite personable.  We used to joke that he could sell a blind man a car.  When he was about 5, we took our first vacation to the North Woods of Wisconsin.  He told everyone that someday he would live there.  Shortly after that first trip, he went into the hospital to have tubes put in his ears (a thirty minute procedure) and eight hours later came out of it.  They found a tumor that was an eighth of an inch from his brain.  Several surgeries later, it was necessary to remove all of the hearing bones in his right ear, so he is completely deaf on one side.  In junior high, he was diagnosed with mitral valve prolapse (one of the of the valves in his heart doesn’t close all the way and makes his heart fairly ineffecient).  None of this stopped him.  He continued to play sports and live his life.  He went to the local junior college for two years then transferred to the University of Wisconsin at River Falls.  I was so proud of him for following his dream.  He works for the Department of Natural Resources and loves his job and his life.  He is in constant motion and always willing to help anyone.  He and I often argue and I can usually only spend small chunks of time with him (I usually say he’s a pompous ass).

A few years ago, he obtained his National Forestfire Firefighting License.  He has been all over the country helping fight wildfires.  Last night, he left for California to help fight the Gap Fire near Goleta, CA.  I am so worried about him.  I know any type of firefighting is dangerous, but the wildfires in California always sound the worst.  He will be there for about a week and a half.  We are planning a visit for shortly have he is scheduled to return so I will get to see him and make sure he is okay.  I just pray that the fire is as contained as they say it is and that he is there for backup support and things won’t go wrong.

My sisterly intsincts, as well as, I think, some maternal intsincts, have kicked in.  I’m worried.

Accidents Happen

I realize there are some things that are out of our control in life.  Accidents just happen.  That thought doesn’t help me at all.  It still makes me feel bad and almost sick to my stomach that I ruined something.

For Mother’s Day, my husband and kids got me a new cell phone.  Not just any old cell phone.  A PDA/Smartphone.  They got the Mogul by HTC.  It is a phone, a PDA, an MP3 player, a mini-computer, and a camera.  I loved everything about it and I had transfered my world onto it.  I kept my datebook with all of our family stuff there.  I kept track of my tutoring assignments as well as payments.  I had my most favorite music on there.  All of my contacts were there, with not only phone numbers, but birthdays, anniversaries, and addresses.  I connected to the internet with  it - mainly to check weather and driving directions.  I kept track of my weight loss on it.  I had some really cute pictures of my kids on it.  Now, I cannot access any of it.  Here’s what happened.

Today, a friend called and asked if my kids and I wanted to join them at a local park for a little picnic and playtime for the kids.  She even offered to drive.  It sounded great so I packed lunches and the kids.  When she arrived, I was attempting to put my daughter’s carseat in the car.  I was getting ready to set the phone down on the floorboard (the only reason I had it in my hand was because I wanted to show my friend the cute picture I had taken of the kids a few minutes before).  Anyway, my daughter ran into me and I dropped the phone.  It was in it’s case, but apparently that wasn’t enough.  When we got situated and I took the phone out to inspect it, the screen was cracked.  Actually, that’s not exactly right.  It is not physically cracked, but the image looks cracked, which I believe means the inards of the screen are cracked.  I looked online to find out how much it would be to replace the phone without a new contract - $550.  We can’t afford that.  Oh yeah, and my husband didn’t get insurance on the phone.

I don’t know what to do.  My husband didn’t sound angry when I called him and he is currently trying to figure something out.  I do have all of the information that was in it in other places, but it was just nice to have it all in the same place.  I can hear my dad saying, “Live and learn.  Get insurance and be careful.”

The Past

It seems that the past always knocks me for a loop.  Yesterday, I attended an educational conference in my former college town.  I was very excited about both the conference and returning to my former stomping grounds - I haven’t been back since I graduated 11 years ago.  The conference was very informative and I learned a lot.  Afterwards, I went to campus to walk around.  I was really enjoying myself, remembering people and places.  Not all of them were good memories, but the experience was enjoyable.  As I was leaving, I took a wrong turn.  I knew immediately what I had done and looked for a street sign of the crossing street.  And suddenly, I saw it.  An apartment building like so many others on college campuses - slightly run down, very basic and sterile.  The difference between this apartment building and any other is that this is the apartment building where I was raped 14 years ago.  I turned the corner and parked my car.  I couldn’t breathe and I felt like I was going to vomit.  My hands were shaking and sweating.  I could feel the shadows swallowing me whole.  That horrible night replayed in my mind as if it was yesterday.  I don’t know how long I sat there, but I slowly began to realize I was driving out of town.  The further away I got, the better I started to feel.

I can admit now that I didn’t deal with it at the time.  I was young and very naive and just wanted the whole thing to go away.  For 14 years I have put that night in its own little box in my mind.  I think I have treated it as if it happened to someone else, like a story a friend had told me.  It may not have been the healthy way to deal with it, but I didn’t know any other way at the time.  And since then, it’s not something I really think about.

I plan on talking to my therapist about it next week.  I’m not sure what he’ll say or what will happen now, but I have a feeling that some of the issues I’m trying to deal with now are connected to that night.

I thought it was summer…

I am busier than ever. Summer has always been a relaxing time for me, but I seem to have filled my plate. I tutor a girl in reading in my home on Mondays and Thursdays for an hour each day. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I tutor several kids between 10 and 1 at the library. Then my son has baseball games two evenings a week. I have also signed up to go to several conferences this summer. I have a difficult time saying no.

On a very sad note, tonight I will going to the visitation of my husband’s boss’s wife. In March the doctors gave her 2-3 weeks to live and she just died on Wednesday night. This is the first visitation/funeral that I will be attending merey as the wife of the professional. I knew Jackie as another funeral director’s wife but we weren’t close. This should be interesting. I do feel for her family, particularly her three kids who are 14, 11, and 8. I’m listening to my own kids play and can’t imagine dealing with such loss at such young ages.

Disappointment

I found out yesterday that the person I was hoping would be our principal did not get the job.  And the worst part is that I believe him not getting the job had nothing to do with qualifications.  It had to do with politics and some insane people I work with who seem to have some kind of power that I just don’t understand.

I really believe he would have made an excellent principal.  He is strict but fair and he really cares about the kids.  He’s one of those teachers that when we have students return from high school or even out ones that are out of high school, say they hated him as a teacher but he taught them the most and really prepared them for their futures.  And he has proven his dedication to the district over and over again.  I hate this.

As disappointed as I am, I keep reminding myself that work could not get much worse than it has been the past two years, so I am going to give the new principal a chance.  I have some faith that the interim superintendent and the school board chose a candidate who was qualified and will do a good job.  I do hope that those witches don’t get their claws into him and turn him to the dark side before the school year even starts.

Illness

I hate being sick.  I don’t know many people who enjoy it, but this is a nightmare.  I am totally nauseous, though I have not thrown up yet.  The bathroom and I have become intimately involved, though.  My plan for today was to take my two kids on a little road trip.  My father’s cousin died suddenly in his sleep on Thursday morning.  He and my dad were very close - they spent every summer together on their grandfather’s farm.  My dad’s cousin eventually took over that farm.  I have a feeling that my dad would have enjoyed the farm life.  Anyway, the kids were excited because we were going to stay at a hotel and get to go swimming.  I feel bad, but there is no way I could have traveled today - and I didn’t want to make the whole family sick.

So I have been lying in bed all day, alternating sleeping and reading.  Thankfully, my husband hasn’t gotten a work call today so he has been keeping the kids occupied - doing his best at keeping them outside even though it’s hot.

I’m supposed to start tutoring on Tuesday.  I hope this has passed by morning, though.  I need to get back into bed.

A Getaway

My husband and I have just returned from a little getaway.  We traveled to St. Louis, Missouri (pronounced Missuree, not Missuraa) and spent the day at an amusement park then went to a St. Louis Cardinals baseball game.  We went with another couple.  It’s been a long time since we have had time together without the kids and even longer since we have had time with another adult couple.  I’m not the biggest fan of amusement parks, but since my husband and the other husband planned it, we went.  I just enjoyed walking around and people watching.

I have only been to one professional sporting event before and our seats were not that good that time.  Our seats to the Cardinals’s game were phenomenal.  We were only 10 rows up from the visitor dugout (directly in line from third base).  I’m not a huge sports fan, but I have been trying to become more interested in an attempt to spend more time with my husband.  Well, being there was quite fun and I was surprised at how excited I was.

The only downside to the whole thing was the other wife.  I like her well enough, but we couldn’t be more different.  I am a midwest girl, raised by my biological parents, living much like my parents have lived.  My parents weren’t rich, but they were able to provide what we needed.  I wasn’t spoiled, as I had two younger brothers.  I try not to be an overbearing parent and I encourage my kids to try new things and meet new people and I don’t want them to be completely and totally dependent on me.  She, on the other hand, grew up in the projects of a large city, the youngest by a number of years of several half-siblings.  There was danger around every corner and she had little to nothing in the way of material things.  What money her parents did have was spent on her.  She married a midwestern small town boy a number of years older than she, but still carries around a lot of baggage.  Her children have only spent a couple of nights away from her and she is rarely more than 5 feet away from them and if she’s not there, her husband or her mother are there in her place.  She has all of the latest and greatest gadgets, usually to a pretty hefty price tag. 

What I found most interesting about our time together was how intolerant she was of my parenting style.  At one point, my husband asked me if I missed the kids yet.  I told him not yet as we hadn’t been away from them for more than 24 hours.  She looked at me like I had just said I was going to kill her.  She was flabbergasted that I didn’t miss my children.  I tried to explain that it didn’t mean I didn’t love my children, but I knew they were in good hands with their grandparents and it was really nice to just spend time with my husband.  Later, she pouted when we didn’t eat at the restaurant she wanted to eat at.  And then she was furious when the two husbands were talking about the baseball game we had attended.  I think I can sum up the few days with her - she exhausted me.  It was difficult for me because I do like her and have always enjoyed our time together in the past.  I think my lesson here is that I can only take her in small doses.

Anyway, I’m glad to be home and looking forward to a relaxing summer.  Although I will still be working a couple of days a week tutoring kids, I think it’s going to be a nice summer.

Parents and Grandparents

Yesterday morning, my whole family was running late.  I overslept, which meant the whole house overslept.  My children did not get to eat breakfast.  Now this is not something that worried me because my children have often eaten at my parents’ house and I thought it would be no different.  Wow, was I wrong.  My father, who isn’t normally awake when I drop off my kids, was awake and as I walked out the door, said to me, “You know, you need to be a more responsible parent.”  I didn’t comment back, I just walked out the door and called my husband in tears.  The day was pretty much ruined after that. 

Today was my son’s field day.  They were going to the park to have a picnic and games.  He was so excited.  This morning, he looked a little pale and said he had an upset stomach, but he still wanted to go to school.  He didn’t have a fever so I gave him some Pepto Bismal and sent him with my husband to my parents’ house.  Well, before he left with my mom for school, he threw up.  So my mom kept him home.  At 11:30, she called my cell phone and told me I had to come and get him because he was still sick.  Before she hung up, she added, “You know, this is what being a responsible parent means.”  I left my lunch in tears.

Why do they feel that they can say these things to me?  I don’t think these two instances show that I am irresponsible.  I take the care of my children very seriously and feel like I’m a pretty damn good parent.  I may not be perfect, but I do my best.  My parents are often comparing me to my mother when I was a child.  I keep trying to tell them it’s like comparing apples and oranges - she was a stay at home mom and I’m a working mom.  My husband is furious that they say things like this to me.  He is on the verge of finding other arrangements for the kids in the fall.  I hate to do that because the reason my mom is watching my kids is so that it is one less financial worry.  Since the beginning of the school year, I have not asked my mom to watch my kids at any other time out of respect for the fact that she watches them daily. 

A male friend of mine once said he thinks that the parents of a mother are more outspoken than the parents of a father.  I’m not sure about that, but the guilt trips my brothers get are nothing compared to what I get.  I just keep reminding myself that it is summer and now I don’t have to deal with them on a daily basis.

A Sprinkling

1 - The school year is almost over.  We give out report cards tomorrow and then leave.  I look forward to this time, but it makes me a little sad.  I like having my day scheduled, with routines.  Summer makes me feel a little off, like I’m a little lost.  But at the same time, I really want some time off.

2 - I’ve started to lose weight.  In the past 3 weeks, I’ve lost 10 pounds.  I’ve been very careful about what I’m eating and I keep a food journal.  I am finding that I am making some much better choices in food that I eat.  I have to say that I am feeling much better.  My next step is to start getting more exercise.  Now that it is warm, I try to take a walk in the evenings.

3 - I have started therapy.  I’m actually on my third counselor.  The first one I went to was fine, but she just felt wrong to me.  I think it was because she reminded me of my mother.  The second counselor I went to was also fine and I saw her twice.  I felt comfortable enough to tell her that I wasn’t sure she was what I was looking for.  The main reason being that she wanted to immediately put me on medication.  She said she understood and referred me to a man in the same practice.  I really like him.  There was something that just seemed to click instantly.  While he is concerned that I may need medication, he is respectful of my wishes - for now.  He said that I have classic symptoms of depression but that I have kept it fairly controlled so we just work on my issues for now.  I enjoy talking with him and he seems very intuitive.  I feel comfortable and I feel good about this experience.

4 - My husband and I are going through another rough time.  This time I feel completely helpless.  His painful ejaculations are occurring again.  However, now it seems that he is also having some erectile dysfunction along with it.  I think that the dysfunction is a result of being in pain - it’s his body’s way of defending itself.  He finally made an appointment for next week.  I hope he doesn’t back out.  I didn’t think sex, or lack of it, could cause so many problems.  When it first started, we argued a lot and part of it was because I felt very inadequate.  I’m trying very hard to be understanding, but the longer he has waited, the more difficult it has become for me.  It doesn’t help that for the first time in my life, it seems to be all I want.  Hopefully this appointment will be the start to some healing.

5 - I started listening to some different music.  A good friend recommended it and I’m really enjoying it.  His name is Michael Buble.  It’s very jazzy, big bandish.  He has remade a number of familiar songs as well as recorded original songs.  Some of it makes me feel very sexy (maybe I need to quit listening for awhile) and some of it makes me feel like dancing.  I like that feeling.

6 - Next week I go for my follow up blood work to test for cancer.  There is a part of me that knows, deep down, that the tests will come back clear.  I can’t explain it, but I know.  There is also a part of my brain that knows something could be wrong, but in my gut, I feel like it’s going to be okay.

Sunny Days - with Shadows

Why is that when things are going amazingly well for me, the bottom seems to drop out from beneath me?  Since my surgery, I have felt amazingly well.  For a short time, I kept expecting the pain to return and when it didn’t, I was so happy.  My husband and I seemed to in complete sync.  I guess I just expected this to continue.  Well, it hasn’t. 

Up until two weeks ago, things in my life since the surgery have been almost fairy tale like.  My husband and I weren’t fighting, we were on the same page when it came to the kids, we laughed a lot, sex was amazing.  Then, suddenly, the bottom fell out.  It actually started because of sex.  For years, my husband has experienced some…shall we say technical difficulties…when it came to sex.  There was disfunction as well as pain.  I asked and asked him to go to a doctor, even making some appointments for him, only to have him cancel at the last minute.  We seemingly had moved past that recently and we thought the problem had corrected itself.  Well, about a week ago, the problems resurfaced.  And he has completely shut me out.  All we’ve done this week is fight.  And the fights are about absolutely nothing.

Today is a gloriously beautiful day but all I want to do is crawl into my bed and hide.  I can feel the shadows coming back.  They are so sneaky.  I think I had fooled myself into thinking that they were associated with my pain and would go away once I didn’t have the pain.  But there here, circling.  I want to hide or run away (but with gas prices as they are, going anywhere is unrealistic).  Of course, my husband has spent the day at work and will spend most of tomorrow at work so I can’t even take a walk without the kids.  I’m trying very hard not to snap at the kids and take out my feelings on them, but when they’re the only ones around me, it’s getting harder and harder.

I want the happy back.